Lamp Rant

(This was the first Alternative Opinion article that I turned in to be published the week of 8-13-10. The editor of that fine Newsletter -The Lone Oak Newsletter to be exact- refused it on the grounds that it was much more of a rant than an opinion. On rereading it I agreed and wrote another. Then as this is Betty's Rants and Maunderings I decided to 'publish' it here. Enjoy. Betty)


I am not aggravated, incensed, or even just a little miffed. I am not even pissed.

I am PISS-ED!

Why? Because five or ten, or more, years ago I went to the expense of buying a floor lamp.
This lamp has since served me well. It has sat patiently beside whatever has been designated as my ‘reading chair’ for all those years. It has a nice heavy base that can keep it upright despite the occasional bumps and nudges or the rearranging of its multiple lamps. It has five lights in all, each with a different color of vaguely tulip shaped plastic shades. I liked the varied colors as my living room often runs, because of my lack of the ‘decorator’ gene, to a tendency to be drearily monochrome. Not only are these five individual lamps colorful but they are also on individual, bendable, arms. This means that if I had a picture on the wall behind my chair that I wished to highlight I could point one of the five lights at it and still have four to read by. I do admit, however, that my cheapness usually prevailed and I would only click the ‘on’ switch once to turn on only the first two lights. This usually gave me enough light to read by even on the darkest of nights with every other light in this or my old house turned off. Still I had three more lights to use and move about to light some other difficult or tedious task such as sewing or reading fine print if I needed them.

Now the thing has failed me! After so long a time it has had the audacity to fail me! I did not mind when a couple of bulbs went out. After all two of them were used rather regularly and for long periods at a time. They were eventually, and most importantly, easily replaced. I didn’t even mind (much) having to buy the new bulbs.

But this last failure really chaps my sit downer.

The heavy base will no longer screw into the upright of the lamp. I had noted it leaning of late and told myself to fix it. It had happened before and as before I expected to be able to fix the problem by simply twisting the lamps upright until it was once again tight against the base.
Just before writing this missive I was sitting down to relax after carefully placing my wet laundry into the care of my solar dryer when I realized my lamp was leaning far more than it had before. In fact it was leaning so far that as I sat down it brushed my head. Sighing, I saw that there was nothing to do but screw the sucker back onto the base, and proceeded to try to do so.

I turned, and turned and turned. The upright refused to catch. I moved my chair, I unplugged the lamp. I investigated. Then decided that dumb ol’ me was letting the thing get all crooked and it just couldn’t get a ‘start’ on tightening down. So I very carefully tried again. Still no luck. I exhausted my patience with the thing and realized that was indeed the whole point. I was supposed to get tired of it, toss it in the trash and go, happily, to the store; glad for the chance to buy myself a brand new lamp.

I growled, I grumbled. I examined the lamp more closely. Was there a way I could replace the part that would no longer screw in? A way to rearrange the pieces of the upright so that maybe a less worn section could get a better hold? Even a way to remove the medusa like head of the lamp so I could attach it to something else, maybe even the wall? I was getting desperate! The answer to all those questions was a stern ‘No’. The thing was simply not designed so that it could be fixed, especially by an amateur do it yourselfer.

And that is why I am piss-ed.

Royally, totally and completely enraged!

The lamp still works for heavens sakes! It makes light! It could brighten the night for me to read for many years to come but because this - this throw away society of ours dictates it - I must throw away a device that, while it still works, has a small defect that I can not fix or work around. That will make the economy happy because I will then join all the other happy consumers in consuming what is rapidly being used up and add to the pile of trash in the land fill.
Maybe I can still work around this. Move it to my bed room perhaps where the upright can be held up by my beds head board and maybe a decorative piece of rope. I’ll still have to get another lamp to stand by my reading chair but I will gain the lamp I have been beginning to think I need by my bed. At least then I will NOT be adding to the land fill.

I’m still pissed though.